Here's another movie review that continues in the "grand" tradition of this blog - reviewing movies that are really not that new. Babies is a documentary film that came out in 2010 and is about four babies' lives from "first breath to first step", one from Namibia, one from Mongolia, one from Japan, and one from the USA. I remember seeing reviews of this movie and thinking, "Really?" It didn't strike me at the time that it'd be such a great concept. I mean, I'm a mother - I watch my baby do stuff all day, and while I occasionally find it fascinating, more often than not I find it, well, normal and therefore rather boring.
This must be one of the reasons why the director had to push this idea to several people before finding someone else willing to work with it. It must also be one of the reasons why the videographer would travel to these places and spend days there, only to return with one "good" short worth putting in the film. (Though of course, this isn't unlike the process of writing - I aim to write a couple pages a day, but much of it is definitely not staying in the book...)
I was all set to view the documentary as some kind of social commentary: you know, Western industrialized nations versus less industrialized nations and how babies do, comparatively. Or, people with "stuff" versus people without "stuff". Or, time spent versus lack of time spent. The Japanese and American mothers do very similar things, for instance: song and dance classes for their young babies; day care situations, et cetera.
About ten minutes into it, I stopped thinking in this way and just started enjoying the process of watching these babies. The director creatively pairs film shorts together and it makes a satisfying collage of love and care for the smallest members of our human clan. (Or, should I even say, it makes an interesting board book movie? My 3 month-old "watched" parts of this film and was fascinated.)
The US family is a "green" ecologically-minded family; the Japanese family lives in one of the busiest sectors of Tokyo; the Mongolian family is a relatively well-off herding family, and the Namibian family seems mostly to consists of mothers and children - the men are off herding and farming. It's an eclectic group; you wouldn't expect to find much in common necessarily, except that these babies are loved and cared for with very obvious joy.
Viewers who have always been curious about breastfeeding will see fantastic images of babies nursing, including the Namibian mother tandem nursing. And, I was curious about how people who don't use diapers manage - very well, as it happens.
This is also a funny film - as one might imagine with babies, there are plenty of moments that made me want to laugh. One is when the American baby is eating a banana and very painstakingly picks off each bit of the peel before eating it. Then she bites into the wrong end and finds herself chewing on that bad-tasting end bit of bananas, and spits that out. Another is the moment when the Monogolian baby, swaddled and lying on a bed, all of a sudden finds himself surrounded by a rooster that is at least twice his size. The rooster just dances around the bed. Still another is when the Namibian baby has learned to walk and starts balancing something (the end of a plastic jug, I think?) on her head - I was highly impressed by her walking and balancing skills.
Ultimately, the theme of the movie seems to be one that contributes an argument to the Western "mommy wars" problem. (So okay, I am going to find a point here - but not the one I was originally looking for...) Here was an array of parents and cultures and parenting styles, and they all work. The Namibian mother was the one who was most obviously with her baby all the time, in a very relaxed way - more relaxed than I think sometimes the pressure of being a "stay at home mom" feels in Western culture. But her husband and sons were often gone many days out of the month. "Work out of the home" moms were represented by the Western mothers. The Japanese mother worked out of the home and so we saw a day care scene but we also see her and her husband taking care of the baby at home. The American parents tried to work as a team, and it seemed that they did more trading off of parental duties, around their office work, than the others.
And a different way of running the family shows up in the the Mongolian family. They, too, tried to pair up their parenting, probably by necessity. Both the mother and father were doing work with the herding animals and so would intersperse child care with animal care. That meant the baby was left alone fairly often - and we see him crawling around outside, enjoying the weather, and investigating the broad world while the parents are off at some distance.
Maybe the point was: you do what you have to do to make a living and care for the kids. None of these represents an "ideal" for parenthood except for the common thread of desiring to care for the babies so that they are healthy, have some freedom to learn to crawl and walk and talk, and that there is something joyful about nurturing a baby.
The movie is not really about the parents, though, but the babies themselves and that is ultimately what makes one become mesmerized: their extraordinary growth, their wonder, their joy.
One final funny moment, for me anyway: at one point, the American father takes his daughter to a song time, where they sing 'The Earth is our Mother." The chant threw me off at first because it starts before you see that we're in the US and I thought, "Huh, this must be in one of the non-American countries - maybe they do chant there." And then I was laughing at myself because I saw the American father, AND I remembered singing this song probably when I was three years old myself. I think of it as a very, very "hippy" song. But what made it even funnier is that the baby stands up, walks out of the singing circle and tries to open the door. "Let me out, please!" Exactly what I'd be doing anyway, if I found myself having to sing that song again. (Hey, I like being ecologically friendly but I'm not sure that's what this song is really about....)
Anyway, if you haven't had the chance to see Babies, I highly recommend finding a copy somewhere. It will give you hope - a good thing to have these days.
Showing posts with label mommy wars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy wars. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Doing it all? Not a chance....
Sometimes I get asked for tips on how to do academia and the mommy thing. I am sure I'm not a great exemplar for this; I do not consider myself a "mommy" type. I do not go all googly eyed around babies, but still, I try to love my kids the best I can. Likewise, I am not the best researcher or thinker or teacher in my field; still, I love my students, and writing, and I love my job.
People sometimes call full time working and full time mommyhood "having it all." That is surely NOT what I'd call it. I think it is possible to be a mom and work (my own mother and mother-in-law both work out of the home and did so while raising kids) but I do not think we ought to think of having "both" as some kind of championship cup that has been won. That makes it seem like a) my life is too perfect; and b) that staying at home is a bad "choice." I work as a theologian because God has called me to that vocation; I also have a vocation as a mother. What it makes me is very busy.
I'd rather not play into the Mommy Wars here because it's a false dichotomy and it falsely implies choice, which is a pretty tricky concept. Some people do have more of a choice to do one or the other or both and some don't. And, I think the Mommy Wars idea tends to be an anti-woman thing anyway: as many scholars have pointed out, why don't men get called out about this?
I think we tend to have some fairly limited choices about what we do and where we go anyway. Some have more than others, but at any one point, life can throw you something that you didn't "choose" - the hearing loss, the kid with severe disabilities, the job loss. Some people have the blessing of being able to "choose" but many do not. Mothers are mothers, and we all have stuff to do. I think the phrase "bloom where you're planted" is the one I tend to go with in situations like these - because that does not imply choice, but it does imply making the most of where you are. For those who are more theologically minded, I'll just repeat the scripture I mentioned in a different blog post: by their fruits you will know them.
So with all these caveats in mind, a list on how to (kind of) survive academia and motherhood both, and this is probably not in order. Or to put it another way, all of these should be #1:
1. Have a supportive spouse, if at all possible. Actually, this is true, regardless of the academic piece of the equation. Do not have a spouse who either a) thinks that academia is just an "add on" to your "real" life of doing laundry, changing diapers and making dinner; or b) thinks that learning another language is just a bunch of hooey. "After all, no one speaks coptic anymore, do they?"
2. Don't worry about the house. Of all the things in your life that you've got going, a clean house is not the priority. In fact, take pride in the majestic nature of its messiness, as a testimony to where your priorities are (your kids, your reading, keeping food on the table and the electricity on). If you need permission to be messy, here it is!
If, like me, you just can't bring yourself to do the first tip, and you NEED to worry about cleanliness, check out a rotating chore list like the one at Motivated Moms. It states that it is for stay at home moms, but really, I find it very useful as a mom who works out of the house full time. It lists daily, weekly, and monthly chores incrementally, so that I am never doing an entire bathroom in one day, but just, say, scrubbing the bathtub. I cross off the ones I know I can't get to (like the time-consuming organization ones - have to wait for summer for that) and do the others. It takes me about 20-40 minutes each day. Very doable.
The best, best thing about it is that most of the chores are done during the weekdays, which means that the weekends are free for more family time and more reading time as necessary.
Even so, if a chore doesn't get done, I have had to adopt a "well, that chore will come around again" attitude. In other words, if I just can't get to vacuum a floor that night because a baby is screaming, so be it.
3. Take advantage of the academic calendar and rejoice in it. On the days you are off and your kids are likewise off from school, spend some time with them. Academia will try to tempt you into thinking that you must work on the "off days" as well because you've got to ___________ (fill in the blank: publish, grade, write a letter of recommendation, publish, grade).
Build in some time for that if you must, but also spend some time being a mom.
4. Surround yourself with a good community of people. You and your spouse can't "do it all" by yourselves (which is another problem with the phrase "doing it all). Marriage itself, to say nothing of kids, can't survive in a vacuum.
Surround yourselves with people who care about you, your kids, your spouse. These are the people with whom you know you have reciprocal relationships - the kind where you can call someone at 2 am, but where you are fully willing to reciprocate. Don't neglect the single friends in your lives as members of this all-important community. Hopefully, some of those people come from academia and understand academic life, too, but that is not as imperative as knowing that there's a community of support.
Tip #4 is especially important in academia, I should add, because the likelihood of finding an academic job anywhere close to family or friends you already have is miniscule. So building community is important.
5. In the interest of fostering #4, but also of developing the lives and interests of your kids and yourself: invite people over or out, for dinner, coffee, just to hang out. Do it as often as you feel up for it. Academics tend to be introverts as a group, so this may not get done as often as with other "types" but it's important. This is a chance not to be in the world of academic, to invite people "outside" the university. But this is also another one of those pluses in academia: there are always likely to be faculty, students or staff in need of an invite. No shortage of peopl ein academia.
This is just a general list - I'll post more later about specific academic job hunting and job keeping tips as a mom and academic. And all of you out there, academic or mom or not - have any tips to add regarding parenting and/or working out of the home?
People sometimes call full time working and full time mommyhood "having it all." That is surely NOT what I'd call it. I think it is possible to be a mom and work (my own mother and mother-in-law both work out of the home and did so while raising kids) but I do not think we ought to think of having "both" as some kind of championship cup that has been won. That makes it seem like a) my life is too perfect; and b) that staying at home is a bad "choice." I work as a theologian because God has called me to that vocation; I also have a vocation as a mother. What it makes me is very busy.
I'd rather not play into the Mommy Wars here because it's a false dichotomy and it falsely implies choice, which is a pretty tricky concept. Some people do have more of a choice to do one or the other or both and some don't. And, I think the Mommy Wars idea tends to be an anti-woman thing anyway: as many scholars have pointed out, why don't men get called out about this?
I think we tend to have some fairly limited choices about what we do and where we go anyway. Some have more than others, but at any one point, life can throw you something that you didn't "choose" - the hearing loss, the kid with severe disabilities, the job loss. Some people have the blessing of being able to "choose" but many do not. Mothers are mothers, and we all have stuff to do. I think the phrase "bloom where you're planted" is the one I tend to go with in situations like these - because that does not imply choice, but it does imply making the most of where you are. For those who are more theologically minded, I'll just repeat the scripture I mentioned in a different blog post: by their fruits you will know them.
So with all these caveats in mind, a list on how to (kind of) survive academia and motherhood both, and this is probably not in order. Or to put it another way, all of these should be #1:
1. Have a supportive spouse, if at all possible. Actually, this is true, regardless of the academic piece of the equation. Do not have a spouse who either a) thinks that academia is just an "add on" to your "real" life of doing laundry, changing diapers and making dinner; or b) thinks that learning another language is just a bunch of hooey. "After all, no one speaks coptic anymore, do they?"
2. Don't worry about the house. Of all the things in your life that you've got going, a clean house is not the priority. In fact, take pride in the majestic nature of its messiness, as a testimony to where your priorities are (your kids, your reading, keeping food on the table and the electricity on). If you need permission to be messy, here it is!
If, like me, you just can't bring yourself to do the first tip, and you NEED to worry about cleanliness, check out a rotating chore list like the one at Motivated Moms. It states that it is for stay at home moms, but really, I find it very useful as a mom who works out of the house full time. It lists daily, weekly, and monthly chores incrementally, so that I am never doing an entire bathroom in one day, but just, say, scrubbing the bathtub. I cross off the ones I know I can't get to (like the time-consuming organization ones - have to wait for summer for that) and do the others. It takes me about 20-40 minutes each day. Very doable.
The best, best thing about it is that most of the chores are done during the weekdays, which means that the weekends are free for more family time and more reading time as necessary.
Even so, if a chore doesn't get done, I have had to adopt a "well, that chore will come around again" attitude. In other words, if I just can't get to vacuum a floor that night because a baby is screaming, so be it.
3. Take advantage of the academic calendar and rejoice in it. On the days you are off and your kids are likewise off from school, spend some time with them. Academia will try to tempt you into thinking that you must work on the "off days" as well because you've got to ___________ (fill in the blank: publish, grade, write a letter of recommendation, publish, grade).
Build in some time for that if you must, but also spend some time being a mom.
4. Surround yourself with a good community of people. You and your spouse can't "do it all" by yourselves (which is another problem with the phrase "doing it all). Marriage itself, to say nothing of kids, can't survive in a vacuum.
Surround yourselves with people who care about you, your kids, your spouse. These are the people with whom you know you have reciprocal relationships - the kind where you can call someone at 2 am, but where you are fully willing to reciprocate. Don't neglect the single friends in your lives as members of this all-important community. Hopefully, some of those people come from academia and understand academic life, too, but that is not as imperative as knowing that there's a community of support.
Tip #4 is especially important in academia, I should add, because the likelihood of finding an academic job anywhere close to family or friends you already have is miniscule. So building community is important.
5. In the interest of fostering #4, but also of developing the lives and interests of your kids and yourself: invite people over or out, for dinner, coffee, just to hang out. Do it as often as you feel up for it. Academics tend to be introverts as a group, so this may not get done as often as with other "types" but it's important. This is a chance not to be in the world of academic, to invite people "outside" the university. But this is also another one of those pluses in academia: there are always likely to be faculty, students or staff in need of an invite. No shortage of peopl ein academia.
This is just a general list - I'll post more later about specific academic job hunting and job keeping tips as a mom and academic. And all of you out there, academic or mom or not - have any tips to add regarding parenting and/or working out of the home?
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