Here's another movie review that continues in the "grand" tradition of this blog - reviewing movies that are really not that new. Babies is a documentary film that came out in 2010 and is about four babies' lives from "first breath to first step", one from Namibia, one from Mongolia, one from Japan, and one from the USA. I remember seeing reviews of this movie and thinking, "Really?" It didn't strike me at the time that it'd be such a great concept. I mean, I'm a mother - I watch my baby do stuff all day, and while I occasionally find it fascinating, more often than not I find it, well, normal and therefore rather boring.
This must be one of the reasons why the director had to push this idea to several people before finding someone else willing to work with it. It must also be one of the reasons why the videographer would travel to these places and spend days there, only to return with one "good" short worth putting in the film. (Though of course, this isn't unlike the process of writing - I aim to write a couple pages a day, but much of it is definitely not staying in the book...)
I was all set to view the documentary as some kind of social commentary: you know, Western industrialized nations versus less industrialized nations and how babies do, comparatively. Or, people with "stuff" versus people without "stuff". Or, time spent versus lack of time spent. The Japanese and American mothers do very similar things, for instance: song and dance classes for their young babies; day care situations, et cetera.
About ten minutes into it, I stopped thinking in this way and just started enjoying the process of watching these babies. The director creatively pairs film shorts together and it makes a satisfying collage of love and care for the smallest members of our human clan. (Or, should I even say, it makes an interesting board book movie? My 3 month-old "watched" parts of this film and was fascinated.)
The US family is a "green" ecologically-minded family; the Japanese family lives in one of the busiest sectors of Tokyo; the Mongolian family is a relatively well-off herding family, and the Namibian family seems mostly to consists of mothers and children - the men are off herding and farming. It's an eclectic group; you wouldn't expect to find much in common necessarily, except that these babies are loved and cared for with very obvious joy.
Viewers who have always been curious about breastfeeding will see fantastic images of babies nursing, including the Namibian mother tandem nursing. And, I was curious about how people who don't use diapers manage - very well, as it happens.
This is also a funny film - as one might imagine with babies, there are plenty of moments that made me want to laugh. One is when the American baby is eating a banana and very painstakingly picks off each bit of the peel before eating it. Then she bites into the wrong end and finds herself chewing on that bad-tasting end bit of bananas, and spits that out. Another is the moment when the Monogolian baby, swaddled and lying on a bed, all of a sudden finds himself surrounded by a rooster that is at least twice his size. The rooster just dances around the bed. Still another is when the Namibian baby has learned to walk and starts balancing something (the end of a plastic jug, I think?) on her head - I was highly impressed by her walking and balancing skills.
Ultimately, the theme of the movie seems to be one that contributes an argument to the Western "mommy wars" problem. (So okay, I am going to find a point here - but not the one I was originally looking for...) Here was an array of parents and cultures and parenting styles, and they all work. The Namibian mother was the one who was most obviously with her baby all the time, in a very relaxed way - more relaxed than I think sometimes the pressure of being a "stay at home mom" feels in Western culture. But her husband and sons were often gone many days out of the month. "Work out of the home" moms were represented by the Western mothers. The Japanese mother worked out of the home and so we saw a day care scene but we also see her and her husband taking care of the baby at home. The American parents tried to work as a team, and it seemed that they did more trading off of parental duties, around their office work, than the others.
And a different way of running the family shows up in the the Mongolian family. They, too, tried to pair up their parenting, probably by necessity. Both the mother and father were doing work with the herding animals and so would intersperse child care with animal care. That meant the baby was left alone fairly often - and we see him crawling around outside, enjoying the weather, and investigating the broad world while the parents are off at some distance.
Maybe the point was: you do what you have to do to make a living and care for the kids. None of these represents an "ideal" for parenthood except for the common thread of desiring to care for the babies so that they are healthy, have some freedom to learn to crawl and walk and talk, and that there is something joyful about nurturing a baby.
The movie is not really about the parents, though, but the babies themselves and that is ultimately what makes one become mesmerized: their extraordinary growth, their wonder, their joy.
One final funny moment, for me anyway: at one point, the American father takes his daughter to a song time, where they sing 'The Earth is our Mother." The chant threw me off at first because it starts before you see that we're in the US and I thought, "Huh, this must be in one of the non-American countries - maybe they do chant there." And then I was laughing at myself because I saw the American father, AND I remembered singing this song probably when I was three years old myself. I think of it as a very, very "hippy" song. But what made it even funnier is that the baby stands up, walks out of the singing circle and tries to open the door. "Let me out, please!" Exactly what I'd be doing anyway, if I found myself having to sing that song again. (Hey, I like being ecologically friendly but I'm not sure that's what this song is really about....)
Anyway, if you haven't had the chance to see Babies, I highly recommend finding a copy somewhere. It will give you hope - a good thing to have these days.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Doing it all? Not a chance....
Sometimes I get asked for tips on how to do academia and the mommy thing. I am sure I'm not a great exemplar for this; I do not consider myself a "mommy" type. I do not go all googly eyed around babies, but still, I try to love my kids the best I can. Likewise, I am not the best researcher or thinker or teacher in my field; still, I love my students, and writing, and I love my job.
People sometimes call full time working and full time mommyhood "having it all." That is surely NOT what I'd call it. I think it is possible to be a mom and work (my own mother and mother-in-law both work out of the home and did so while raising kids) but I do not think we ought to think of having "both" as some kind of championship cup that has been won. That makes it seem like a) my life is too perfect; and b) that staying at home is a bad "choice." I work as a theologian because God has called me to that vocation; I also have a vocation as a mother. What it makes me is very busy.
I'd rather not play into the Mommy Wars here because it's a false dichotomy and it falsely implies choice, which is a pretty tricky concept. Some people do have more of a choice to do one or the other or both and some don't. And, I think the Mommy Wars idea tends to be an anti-woman thing anyway: as many scholars have pointed out, why don't men get called out about this?
I think we tend to have some fairly limited choices about what we do and where we go anyway. Some have more than others, but at any one point, life can throw you something that you didn't "choose" - the hearing loss, the kid with severe disabilities, the job loss. Some people have the blessing of being able to "choose" but many do not. Mothers are mothers, and we all have stuff to do. I think the phrase "bloom where you're planted" is the one I tend to go with in situations like these - because that does not imply choice, but it does imply making the most of where you are. For those who are more theologically minded, I'll just repeat the scripture I mentioned in a different blog post: by their fruits you will know them.
So with all these caveats in mind, a list on how to (kind of) survive academia and motherhood both, and this is probably not in order. Or to put it another way, all of these should be #1:
1. Have a supportive spouse, if at all possible. Actually, this is true, regardless of the academic piece of the equation. Do not have a spouse who either a) thinks that academia is just an "add on" to your "real" life of doing laundry, changing diapers and making dinner; or b) thinks that learning another language is just a bunch of hooey. "After all, no one speaks coptic anymore, do they?"
2. Don't worry about the house. Of all the things in your life that you've got going, a clean house is not the priority. In fact, take pride in the majestic nature of its messiness, as a testimony to where your priorities are (your kids, your reading, keeping food on the table and the electricity on). If you need permission to be messy, here it is!
If, like me, you just can't bring yourself to do the first tip, and you NEED to worry about cleanliness, check out a rotating chore list like the one at Motivated Moms. It states that it is for stay at home moms, but really, I find it very useful as a mom who works out of the house full time. It lists daily, weekly, and monthly chores incrementally, so that I am never doing an entire bathroom in one day, but just, say, scrubbing the bathtub. I cross off the ones I know I can't get to (like the time-consuming organization ones - have to wait for summer for that) and do the others. It takes me about 20-40 minutes each day. Very doable.
The best, best thing about it is that most of the chores are done during the weekdays, which means that the weekends are free for more family time and more reading time as necessary.
Even so, if a chore doesn't get done, I have had to adopt a "well, that chore will come around again" attitude. In other words, if I just can't get to vacuum a floor that night because a baby is screaming, so be it.
3. Take advantage of the academic calendar and rejoice in it. On the days you are off and your kids are likewise off from school, spend some time with them. Academia will try to tempt you into thinking that you must work on the "off days" as well because you've got to ___________ (fill in the blank: publish, grade, write a letter of recommendation, publish, grade).
Build in some time for that if you must, but also spend some time being a mom.
4. Surround yourself with a good community of people. You and your spouse can't "do it all" by yourselves (which is another problem with the phrase "doing it all). Marriage itself, to say nothing of kids, can't survive in a vacuum.
Surround yourselves with people who care about you, your kids, your spouse. These are the people with whom you know you have reciprocal relationships - the kind where you can call someone at 2 am, but where you are fully willing to reciprocate. Don't neglect the single friends in your lives as members of this all-important community. Hopefully, some of those people come from academia and understand academic life, too, but that is not as imperative as knowing that there's a community of support.
Tip #4 is especially important in academia, I should add, because the likelihood of finding an academic job anywhere close to family or friends you already have is miniscule. So building community is important.
5. In the interest of fostering #4, but also of developing the lives and interests of your kids and yourself: invite people over or out, for dinner, coffee, just to hang out. Do it as often as you feel up for it. Academics tend to be introverts as a group, so this may not get done as often as with other "types" but it's important. This is a chance not to be in the world of academic, to invite people "outside" the university. But this is also another one of those pluses in academia: there are always likely to be faculty, students or staff in need of an invite. No shortage of peopl ein academia.
This is just a general list - I'll post more later about specific academic job hunting and job keeping tips as a mom and academic. And all of you out there, academic or mom or not - have any tips to add regarding parenting and/or working out of the home?
People sometimes call full time working and full time mommyhood "having it all." That is surely NOT what I'd call it. I think it is possible to be a mom and work (my own mother and mother-in-law both work out of the home and did so while raising kids) but I do not think we ought to think of having "both" as some kind of championship cup that has been won. That makes it seem like a) my life is too perfect; and b) that staying at home is a bad "choice." I work as a theologian because God has called me to that vocation; I also have a vocation as a mother. What it makes me is very busy.
I'd rather not play into the Mommy Wars here because it's a false dichotomy and it falsely implies choice, which is a pretty tricky concept. Some people do have more of a choice to do one or the other or both and some don't. And, I think the Mommy Wars idea tends to be an anti-woman thing anyway: as many scholars have pointed out, why don't men get called out about this?
I think we tend to have some fairly limited choices about what we do and where we go anyway. Some have more than others, but at any one point, life can throw you something that you didn't "choose" - the hearing loss, the kid with severe disabilities, the job loss. Some people have the blessing of being able to "choose" but many do not. Mothers are mothers, and we all have stuff to do. I think the phrase "bloom where you're planted" is the one I tend to go with in situations like these - because that does not imply choice, but it does imply making the most of where you are. For those who are more theologically minded, I'll just repeat the scripture I mentioned in a different blog post: by their fruits you will know them.
So with all these caveats in mind, a list on how to (kind of) survive academia and motherhood both, and this is probably not in order. Or to put it another way, all of these should be #1:
1. Have a supportive spouse, if at all possible. Actually, this is true, regardless of the academic piece of the equation. Do not have a spouse who either a) thinks that academia is just an "add on" to your "real" life of doing laundry, changing diapers and making dinner; or b) thinks that learning another language is just a bunch of hooey. "After all, no one speaks coptic anymore, do they?"
2. Don't worry about the house. Of all the things in your life that you've got going, a clean house is not the priority. In fact, take pride in the majestic nature of its messiness, as a testimony to where your priorities are (your kids, your reading, keeping food on the table and the electricity on). If you need permission to be messy, here it is!
If, like me, you just can't bring yourself to do the first tip, and you NEED to worry about cleanliness, check out a rotating chore list like the one at Motivated Moms. It states that it is for stay at home moms, but really, I find it very useful as a mom who works out of the house full time. It lists daily, weekly, and monthly chores incrementally, so that I am never doing an entire bathroom in one day, but just, say, scrubbing the bathtub. I cross off the ones I know I can't get to (like the time-consuming organization ones - have to wait for summer for that) and do the others. It takes me about 20-40 minutes each day. Very doable.
The best, best thing about it is that most of the chores are done during the weekdays, which means that the weekends are free for more family time and more reading time as necessary.
Even so, if a chore doesn't get done, I have had to adopt a "well, that chore will come around again" attitude. In other words, if I just can't get to vacuum a floor that night because a baby is screaming, so be it.
3. Take advantage of the academic calendar and rejoice in it. On the days you are off and your kids are likewise off from school, spend some time with them. Academia will try to tempt you into thinking that you must work on the "off days" as well because you've got to ___________ (fill in the blank: publish, grade, write a letter of recommendation, publish, grade).
Build in some time for that if you must, but also spend some time being a mom.
4. Surround yourself with a good community of people. You and your spouse can't "do it all" by yourselves (which is another problem with the phrase "doing it all). Marriage itself, to say nothing of kids, can't survive in a vacuum.
Surround yourselves with people who care about you, your kids, your spouse. These are the people with whom you know you have reciprocal relationships - the kind where you can call someone at 2 am, but where you are fully willing to reciprocate. Don't neglect the single friends in your lives as members of this all-important community. Hopefully, some of those people come from academia and understand academic life, too, but that is not as imperative as knowing that there's a community of support.
Tip #4 is especially important in academia, I should add, because the likelihood of finding an academic job anywhere close to family or friends you already have is miniscule. So building community is important.
5. In the interest of fostering #4, but also of developing the lives and interests of your kids and yourself: invite people over or out, for dinner, coffee, just to hang out. Do it as often as you feel up for it. Academics tend to be introverts as a group, so this may not get done as often as with other "types" but it's important. This is a chance not to be in the world of academic, to invite people "outside" the university. But this is also another one of those pluses in academia: there are always likely to be faculty, students or staff in need of an invite. No shortage of peopl ein academia.
This is just a general list - I'll post more later about specific academic job hunting and job keeping tips as a mom and academic. And all of you out there, academic or mom or not - have any tips to add regarding parenting and/or working out of the home?
Thursday, January 13, 2011
How to "leave" gracefully? Or, maternity leave - how DO women do it?
I continue to be somewhat amazed by how blurry the idea of "leave" is - I don't know that I'm really "leaving" except that I don't have official teaching classes this semester. I know that people say the key to leaving is just to refuse to participate - easier said than done. Besides which, maternity leave is a bit different. I'm having a good time so far hanging out with the baby but I do have to go back fairly soon so it's helpful to keep up with things. Consider what I've got going during my "leave":
TEACHING
SERVICE
I do actually have a point to saying all this beyond a kind of "hey look at all the stuff I do" ego statement. Several studies have suggested that untenured women with children have a more difficult time getting tenure (the opposite is true for men, apparently!) This really interesting 2010 study suggests some of the same thing I've experienced - the never ending nature of the job affects the way one understands family once children are in the picture. While academia has the BIG advantage of being flexible, its very flexibility is also perceived as a liability for women with children. Flexibility means one has a bit more control over time during a typical 9 to 5 day; it also means that there are often required events that happen outside a typical day.
But unlike the article I've linked, I think that non-acadmics face some of the same issues that academics do. What say you, other women out there? How do you manage being on "leave" while also knowing you'll be back in a pretty short amount of time? How do you manage the mommy track issues faced by women who have careers and children?
TEACHING
- Continued issues with grades from last semester. Hope to have this one done this week if possible!Can't just drop the students who protest grades from a previous semester; can't hand this off to someone else either.
- Directed reading with master's student (meets once a week online during leave, in office once I'm back). This is from a student who originally was a master's thesis advisee, then decided to do the work in a directed reading instead. I agreed to be her thesis advisor; don't feel like/don't want to drop the directed reading now...
- Honors thesis student advising - review and grade thesis writing; agreed to this 1.5 years ago and need to honor that...
- Masters' thesis students - I have two current students - meet and revise writing as needed; agreed to do this at least a year ago; need to honor that...
- Possibly 2 more letters of recommendation, depending on whether said students decide to apply or not
- Presentation at the Symposium on The Powers (a la the books by Walter Wink; I'll be writing about him more in the coming days) - agreed to do this a while ago; could probably miss if I HAD to.
- 6 more chapters to write on The Book - 4 of which are partially written in some form, phew
- Proposal for a conference paper on children and moral formation - could sidestep this one if necessary, though that would "put me back" in terms of having research to do next year.
- NB: Actually this relates to one of the key problems pre tenured academic women find they have if they take maternity leave. Their research goes way down, and that's because a lot of academic conferences/publications/etc. require the foresight of a year or two of advance planning. That's why insitutions with good policies stop the tenure clock, to allow women to jump back in to things after they've returned and "make up" some of the "lost" time. (I'm a bit loathe to call spending time healing from pregnancy and labor, and raising a newborn "lost" though)
- Continued work on a collective theology blog in progress for the past year.
SERVICE
- Department chair seach, involving attending the public and departmental presentations. I COULD argue to sidestep this one, actually, but that's probably not a good idea all in all.
- Assistant professor search - same as above, but this one I may actually sidestep; depends how baby is.
- University wide committee I'm on - need to continue to participate in once-a-month meetings even through maternity leave because of the topic and its relationship to other things I do at the uni.
I do actually have a point to saying all this beyond a kind of "hey look at all the stuff I do" ego statement. Several studies have suggested that untenured women with children have a more difficult time getting tenure (the opposite is true for men, apparently!) This really interesting 2010 study suggests some of the same thing I've experienced - the never ending nature of the job affects the way one understands family once children are in the picture. While academia has the BIG advantage of being flexible, its very flexibility is also perceived as a liability for women with children. Flexibility means one has a bit more control over time during a typical 9 to 5 day; it also means that there are often required events that happen outside a typical day.
But unlike the article I've linked, I think that non-acadmics face some of the same issues that academics do. What say you, other women out there? How do you manage being on "leave" while also knowing you'll be back in a pretty short amount of time? How do you manage the mommy track issues faced by women who have careers and children?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Grading like parenting???
I suppose it goes without saying that leaves never really begin or end in quite so neat a way as the human resources people would like to imagine: "Dear Dr. Theology Mom: Your leave has been approved from January 3rd to March 15th. After that time, you will be returning to modified duties as follows...."
Yeah, well. Leaving is a bit hard to do, especially when grades were due only 15 days ago and the change-of-grade deadline for last semester rapidly approaches. Unlike Philosophy PhD Husband, I seem to get hit hard with grade protests and a "grades hard" comment or two generally show up on my evaluations each semester. I'm not sure how that can be, since I wouldn't say my grading average is all that different from the school's as a whole - around a B-.
Some of my colleagues think it must be the courses I teach. The first few semesters I was here, I taught a course in marriage and family, which has/had a reputation of being a "gut" class where everyone gets an A; then last semester I taught a medical ethics course where everyone was a pre-med major who "needed" the A to get into medical school. They were an exceptionally bright bunch, which explains why a large majority earned A-s. Still, full As, to me, denote a really high level of excellence. I don't feel like I can give an A just because someone is going to medical school. (And, does an A- in a religion class REALLY hurt their chances to get into med school? Someone come along and correct me on that...)
A friend of mine quips, "You don't need to pay me to teach, but you can't pay me enough to grade." That's a sentiment that nearly every academic I know shares.
I wonder why: people who are not, in the least, procrastinators when it comes to writing book reviews procrastinate when it comes to grades (and that's saying quite a lot since book reviews are one of the things people put off all the time); colleagues start groaning and grumbling the moment the grading for a semester starts (around the third week) and then it never lets up; people trade jokes about end-of-semester grading (just throw the pile of papers off a stairwell and grade according to where they land...), much like undertakers and doctors have a bit of morgue humor going, out of necessity.
I used to think maybe it was because grading involved making judgements, and maybe people don't like judging. But THAT can't be quite right, at least in the world of academia. We make judgements all the time - we learned how to make strong reactionary judgements in graduate school ("Well, that author has everything totally wrong." And just as a caveat, I think most of us have to learn to be less judgemental the further from grad school we get - especially just around the time a first book review of a book we ourselves wrote comes out, and we feel all the injustices of harsh words...)
My current theory is that grading, especially in the humanities where paper writing isn't nicely quantifiable with multiple choice answers and math problems, is like parenting and that's why we don't like it. Grading involves not only making judgements, but trying to help people learn to do better. This is a task made quite difficult by them, at an age when they believe they are perfect and have the most amazing thoughts that even their professors have NEVER ever thought of. It involves telling them when they've done something wrong, like plagiarize. It involves disappointing people who put in a lot of work but who nevertheless do not deserve an A on the output - perhaps a bit like my 3 year old who cajoles me for candy because she tried really hard to eat 2 pieces of broccoli on her plate.
But whereas the parenting I do with my kids has many rewards and I see SOME progress eventually because of the longevity of parenting (my 3 year old is finally, finally telling us when she has to go potty...), those rewards are VERY very far and few between with college students. We only see them a few hours a week and usually only for a semester; most of them don't come visit during office hours; we read final drafts of papers that make it clear they haven't even looked at the comments made on the rough draft. We try to tell them that good writing reflects good thinking, when they want to believe that if they've done the standard 5-paragraph essay it should be an A because all the elements are there. And in the end, all we have to show for the hard work of grading is the students knocking at the door demanding to know why they have __________ grade.
In other words - grading is a process of moral formation of our students - and that takes a lot more time than just the semester in which we have them. The hope, I guess, is that the university community as a whole is able to foster this kind of awareness over four or five years. One professor may not hit point home, but five or seven would.
Anyway, this just goes to show why grading questions leak over to my leave. Grading takes time.
Yeah, well. Leaving is a bit hard to do, especially when grades were due only 15 days ago and the change-of-grade deadline for last semester rapidly approaches. Unlike Philosophy PhD Husband, I seem to get hit hard with grade protests and a "grades hard" comment or two generally show up on my evaluations each semester. I'm not sure how that can be, since I wouldn't say my grading average is all that different from the school's as a whole - around a B-.
Some of my colleagues think it must be the courses I teach. The first few semesters I was here, I taught a course in marriage and family, which has/had a reputation of being a "gut" class where everyone gets an A; then last semester I taught a medical ethics course where everyone was a pre-med major who "needed" the A to get into medical school. They were an exceptionally bright bunch, which explains why a large majority earned A-s. Still, full As, to me, denote a really high level of excellence. I don't feel like I can give an A just because someone is going to medical school. (And, does an A- in a religion class REALLY hurt their chances to get into med school? Someone come along and correct me on that...)
A friend of mine quips, "You don't need to pay me to teach, but you can't pay me enough to grade." That's a sentiment that nearly every academic I know shares.
I wonder why: people who are not, in the least, procrastinators when it comes to writing book reviews procrastinate when it comes to grades (and that's saying quite a lot since book reviews are one of the things people put off all the time); colleagues start groaning and grumbling the moment the grading for a semester starts (around the third week) and then it never lets up; people trade jokes about end-of-semester grading (just throw the pile of papers off a stairwell and grade according to where they land...), much like undertakers and doctors have a bit of morgue humor going, out of necessity.
I used to think maybe it was because grading involved making judgements, and maybe people don't like judging. But THAT can't be quite right, at least in the world of academia. We make judgements all the time - we learned how to make strong reactionary judgements in graduate school ("Well, that author has everything totally wrong." And just as a caveat, I think most of us have to learn to be less judgemental the further from grad school we get - especially just around the time a first book review of a book we ourselves wrote comes out, and we feel all the injustices of harsh words...)
My current theory is that grading, especially in the humanities where paper writing isn't nicely quantifiable with multiple choice answers and math problems, is like parenting and that's why we don't like it. Grading involves not only making judgements, but trying to help people learn to do better. This is a task made quite difficult by them, at an age when they believe they are perfect and have the most amazing thoughts that even their professors have NEVER ever thought of. It involves telling them when they've done something wrong, like plagiarize. It involves disappointing people who put in a lot of work but who nevertheless do not deserve an A on the output - perhaps a bit like my 3 year old who cajoles me for candy because she tried really hard to eat 2 pieces of broccoli on her plate.
But whereas the parenting I do with my kids has many rewards and I see SOME progress eventually because of the longevity of parenting (my 3 year old is finally, finally telling us when she has to go potty...), those rewards are VERY very far and few between with college students. We only see them a few hours a week and usually only for a semester; most of them don't come visit during office hours; we read final drafts of papers that make it clear they haven't even looked at the comments made on the rough draft. We try to tell them that good writing reflects good thinking, when they want to believe that if they've done the standard 5-paragraph essay it should be an A because all the elements are there. And in the end, all we have to show for the hard work of grading is the students knocking at the door demanding to know why they have __________ grade.
In other words - grading is a process of moral formation of our students - and that takes a lot more time than just the semester in which we have them. The hope, I guess, is that the university community as a whole is able to foster this kind of awareness over four or five years. One professor may not hit point home, but five or seven would.
Anyway, this just goes to show why grading questions leak over to my leave. Grading takes time.
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